Thursday, May 31, 2012

CCCVI - The Royal Wedding

.Mad Kane has a regular limerick challenge.
She provides the first line, the rest is up to us.
This one developed a life of it's own.
(Image altered to comply with the Privacy Act).

The Royal Wedding

A Prince was planning to wed
A Beauty who was sleeping, not dead.
The result of a kiss
Was a lifetime of bliss,
Or that’s what the storybooks said.
.
but wait...

We’re told a kiss woke up the Beauty
In truth, his breath was truly fruity.
The Princess awoke
Fearing she’d choke,
But she agreed to marry him, out of duty.

The wedding itself was a sight to behold,
The couple, both beautiful and bold.
The footmen were mice
And, cheap at the price,
While the coach was a pumpkin, of gold.

At the wedding, the guests gave a 'whoop'
When photos were shot of the group.
But once they were gone
The mice were moved on
And the pumpkin was turned into soup.

Time went by and their life grew boring,
The Princess turned her hand to restoring
The castle and moat,
Giving them a coat
Of paint and then replacing the flooring.

But when it came to nature’s call,
The Princess had no love at all.
She ignored his petition
For some friendly coition
And insisted he sleep down the hall.

One day he realised what lay ahead
(And it truly filled him with a dread)
When he woke with fright,
In the middle of the night,
To find seven dwarfs were sharing his bed.

“My dear”, he said, “I think it creepy
(No, there’s no point getting weepy)
I do not like the way,
At the breaking of the day,
I wake up Grumpy, feeling Sleepy.”

The Princess said that he was being mean
And packed her bags and fled from the scene.
He can’s say he missed her,
For he married her sister,
Who was quite ugly but terribly keen.
---


© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery
---

Monday, May 28, 2012

CCCV - More Wedding Plans

.Mad Kane has a regular limerick challenge.
She provides the first line, the rest is up to us.
I posted some yesterday.  Here are some more:


A fellow was planning to wed
But was sadly found naked in bed
With the mother of the bride,
Along for a ride,
So, for his own safety, he fled.

◊◊◊

A lady was planning to wed
But bought a small puppy instead.
“It’s cuddly and sweet,
It’s very discrete,
And adores me, as long as he’s fed.

◊◊◊

A fellow who was planning to wed
Practiced for his time in the bed
By visiting scores
Of big-breasted whores.
But he never enjoyed it , he said.

◊◊◊

A Tasmanian was planning to wed
His sister, the one with two heads.
His father said, “Jack,
She’s crap in the sack!”
So he married his mother instead.

◊◊◊

A fellow wasn't planning to wed
When he drew a sweet lass to his bed
But her father's advice
Was clear and concise:
"Marry her, my boy, or you're dead!"

◊◊◊

A fellow wasn’t planning to wed
When he had a liaison, in the shed.
But what altered his mind
Was a moment defined
By the shotgun, aimed at his head.

◊◊◊

A footballer was planning to wed
Until the tabloids published a spread
Showing him surprised,
In a position, compromised
With a spaniel, who was giving him head.

(Based on a true story, just the breed
has been changed to protect the innocent.)
 .
---


© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery
---

Sunday, May 27, 2012

CCCIV - Wedding Plans

.Mad Kane has a regular limerick challenge.
She provides the first line, the rest is up to us.


Wedding Plans

A woman was instructed to wed
By her father who wanted, ‘twas said,
To strengthen the strands
That bound neighbouring clans;
A prospect that filled her with dread.

◊◊◊

A fellow was planning to wed
And dreamed the first night in his bed.
But it was all in vain,
As she had a migraine,
So he had a cold shower instead.

◊◊◊

A sovereign was planning to wed
He’d done it several times, it was said.
Each of his wives
Had had truncated lives
As they left him, minus their head.

◊◊◊

A fellow was planning to wed
A lady, a true thoroughbred.
In the hay, in the stable,
She showed she was able
To be mounted and ridden and led.
 .
---


© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery
---

CCCIII - Mannequins, by night

Red Dirt Girl speculated on the night time life of shop mannequins.  
I had a few answers

Mannequins, by night.

Said the mannequin lass to her mate
"I so love the way you gyrate
But control your exertion
During the insertion,
As the splinters are the things that I hate."

◊◊◊

Said the mannequin lass to her boy,
When he showed her his pride and joy,
“While it’s against my grain
To whinge and complain,
Is that a toothpick or just a decoy?”

◊◊◊

 “Do you mind if I smoke when we’re through?”
Said the Hickory man to the girl of Yew.
 She replied “If our coition
Will result in ignition,
Perhaps just a hand job would do?”

◊◊◊

Two mannequins escaped from their lashes
And engaged in the most passionate clashes.
The heat of their desire
Set their bodies on fire
And by morning their dreams were all ashes.

◊◊◊

Mannequins are by day statuesque;
But by night they behave Romanesque.
One wooden-limbed swine
Took a young lady of pine
And nailed her, on the manager’s desk.
.
---


© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery
---



Wednesday, May 23, 2012

CCCII - Dialogue

I switch off if people talk over me.

Dialogue

They have a topic they wish to pursue
And are not even listening to you.
They show an absence of tact,
Completely missing the fact
That a dialogue, by rights, is for two.

.
---


© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery
---

Monday, May 21, 2012

CCCI - Persuasion

.Mad Kane has a regular limerick challenge.
She provides the first line, the rest is up to us.


An actress who tried to persuade
While naked, reclining and splayed,
Was less than impressed,
When told to get dressed
As the director was gay and not swayed.

◊◊◊

A fellow who tried to persuade
A buxom young lady to parade,
Lost all of his desire
When she shed her attire
And showed she was all masquerade.
.
---


© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery
---

Sunday, May 20, 2012

CCC - Still Waters



Still Waters
.
A lady, most outwardly demure,
Had a red dragon, from a tattooer.
It wasn't Chinese,
It was Welsh, if you please,
And well away from the casual viewer.
---


© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery
---


Sunday, May 06, 2012

CCXCIX - Deeply Tanned


.Mad Kane has a regular limerick challenge.
She provides the first line, the rest is up to us.


Deeply Tanned

A guy with a very deep tan
Was grabbed by a group from the klan;
To avoid their foul means
He dropped down his jeans
And showed them the colour he began.

◊◊◊

A girl with a very deep tan
Had sex with a deeply tanned man.
Far out on the ocean,
Their Brownian motion,
Sadly sank their catamaran.
---


© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery
---

Saturday, May 05, 2012

CCXCVIII - The Monsters Are Out


 For Dylan, 2.

The Monsters Are Out
 Read to the beat of 'O Fortuna', from Carmina Burana.

(whispered)

O Goodness me!
What do I see?
The monsters are in town.

Devils glaring
Demons staring
Have they come to hunt me down?

Black bats in flight
The gargoyles bite
There’s mayhem in the city.

Zombies walking
Warlocks stalking
My prospects are not pretty.

Goblins in tombs
Witches on brooms
They control the earth and sky.

Hint of brimstone
Clash of shin bone
Skeletons rattle passing by.

Black cats howling
Gremlins scowling
After dark the town is their’s.

Satan’s warlords
Creaking floorboards
Something’s coming up the stairs!

(Loudly)

They’ve reached my door
I’m on the floor
Is that a banshee that I heard?

Excuse me, mister,
Eat my sister,
There’s much more meat on her.

I’m full of dread
Beneath my bed
Please monsters, walk on past!

I feel so dumb
It just my Mum
It’s breakfast time at last!
.
---


© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery
---