A strange SMS series yesterday.
I have omitted the first line
to avoid identifying the sender,
she had asked me how the trip was.
In seven comments, a relationship
spiralled into the poo. Incroyable.
In seven comments, a relationship
spiralled into the poo. Incroyable.
I believe it was also a full moon.
Note: the comments
are part of the composition,
but no new comments
can be added.
Note: the comments
are part of the composition,
but no new comments
can be added.
Dear Dorothy
Dearest Dorothy Dix,
The house was not made of good bricks,
A flippant response
From the top of my nonce
Displayed just straw and not sticks.
Let me say further Miss Dix,
The reply just knocked me for six,
With a minimum of words
A crude blow has incurred*,
Should I go or attempt at a fix?
Puzzled of Melbourne.
Dear Puzzled of Melbourne, you clot!
Why on earth do you need to ask? Dot.
.
---
© J Cosmo Newbery 2014
---
* “va te faire foutre” = “Go fuck yourself”.
Clearly didn't take kindly to being told to wash their mouth out.
ReplyDeleteLook on the bright side : you are educating your readers with the coarser side of French.
It was a light comment, said lightly. Never mind. Yes, educational.
DeleteWhat do you reckon Dorothy meant?
DeleteCome Sancho, my horse! There be giants to fight...
DeleteI'm ready, Master!
DeleteGood! Come Sancho! To La Mancha!
DeleteVot vas der fantasy? Vas about die Mutter, ja?
ReplyDeleteDunno. Something that goes 'sploosh'.
DeletePaté de foie gras, dropped from 20,000 feet?
DeleteTell me, Herr Sancho, vhy do you think that your Mutter ist ein paté being?
DeleteCould equally use a steak & kidney pie. They go 'sploosh' too.
DeleteZo! Is your Mutter being a paté or ein pie? Ich am ambivalence in you sensing.
DeleteI think Sancho is just suggesting 'SPLOOSH' making things. I'm not convinced he is fantasizing about them. Mind you it could be a very large list and there are a few things in such a list he may fantasize about. What noise does a donkey make?
DeleteHey!
DeleteOh, yes, of course.
DeleteHang on...what do you mean?
DeleteIt seems to me that your brain caught up with your body fairly rapidly. Jealous thoughts. My brain has been out to lunch for some time - and didn't invite me.
ReplyDeleteIch haben only ein couch. Taken ein number und in the hallvay gevaiten, bitte.
DeleteBe nice to my visitors...
DeleteI reckon, after 'Fantasy...SPLOOSH' you should have replied 'Que¿'. The towel thing was just too much.
ReplyDeleteIt's not a bloody chess match! "I think you should have taken the Bishop rather than advancing the pawn on the Queen's side." Pffft! to that. I'm a knight!
DeleteA legend in your own shower recess.
DeleteVould you be tellink me about the shower recess? Ist du naked being? Vas your Mutter being there also?
DeleteHe may be a knight but the girls only rate him part of a night.
DeleteVich part of die knight?
DeleteNo, no. Not knight, night.
DeleteI think your mistake was to suggest that you had a brain. Not a notable characteristic in males in some circles.
ReplyDeleteThe memory part still works.
DeleteMemory? Or mammary?
DeleteUh-oh..
DeleteMemory, thank you very much.
DeleteA small titter ran through the crowd.
DeleteHey! Come back!
DeleteSo, what did you do after that?
ReplyDeleteThe only think I could do - blocked her.
DeleteThink she'll come back?
DeleteNah, probably not. It's a pity but she's French and pride will stop her.
DeleteThat conversation makes no sense. What on earth prompted the high-voltage response?
ReplyDeleteI'm not the right one to ask. That's the trouble with text, all text, it doesn't carry a 'tone of voice' filter. That's why 'smileys' were invented.
DeleteBut there must have been something else, surely?
Delete*shrug*
DeleteI don't understand.
Delete“Va te faire foutre”. It sounds so much gentler in French, no?
ReplyDeleteIt's the thought that counts. Or so I am told.
DeleteThere are the romantics associated with the French language very apparent here. Pity I don't quite understand. But irrespective it sounds nice! Wonderful write Cosmo!
ReplyDeleteHank
Content que ça vous a plu. Ne l'avez vous lu? (Comme ci, comme ça)
DeleteYou're not supposed to understand it. The whole point is that everything, starting with the text exchange, is incomprehensible.
Deleteoh goody! what timing! i just had an occasion to use that phrase .. so i said it in french just as it is here. thank you!
ReplyDeleteNever let it be said that my posts are not educational, Foam. Pleased to be of assistance!
DeleteUnder the circumstances, shouldn't you have said 'At your cervix, Madame"?
DeleteAttention everybody, can I have you attention please! Could you all move closer to the centre of the stage, remember we have a poor French lady who has received a torrent of abuse, a torrent, so please, feel her pain. Ok...Mr Newbery, proceed!
ReplyDeleteHang on, all I said was 'wash your mouth out' because she had asked me if I was at work. Surely that was a callous and uncaring comment on her part?
DeleteEt tu fou? French women do not 'wash', they rinse.
DeleteOh, sure. And spit, sorry, transfer into a white china urn from whence it is carried away by white doves?
DeleteExactement.
DeleteThe boy stood on the burning deck,
ReplyDeleteHis pocket full of crackers.
One went off.
They all went off.
And fair blew off his(ow!)...who hit me?
Me, dolt! What do you think you are doing?
DeleteI felt the show needed a musical number.
DeleteBagpipes would have been more musical.
DeleteAs a rough guide, a wash will usually incorporate just a small portion of a glass of water and will not, in hydrological terms, make a torrent. The towel is, on paper at least, the natural enemy of a torrent but usually finds itself mopping outside its league.
ReplyDeleteWell, maybe not a torrent. Anyway, how do you get a torrent out of three partial sentences? Nah, I don't know either.
DeleteHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteSchadenfreude! Meine kleine Pinchette, is das du?
DeleteCan I see you after the show?
DeleteHaben sie ein appointment maken?
DeleteNot you, Pinchette.
Delete(mutter mutter mutter)
DeleteI still don't understand why washing her mouth out 'splooshed' her fantasy. What was her fantasy? A dirty mouth?
ReplyDeletePerhaps it doesn't sound dirty in French?
Delete"Vous êtes un type de vache espagnole." Did that feel better?
DeleteNo. Not really.
DeleteShe doesn't sound like a good brick at all.
ReplyDeleteI think she just misunderstood a flippant comment. She has been a good brick in the past.
DeleteWell, ha, everyone above has said it all. Smiles.
ReplyDeleteMr Newbery, could you move Mary to a non-dancing position at the back of the chorus, thank you.
DeleteWell the comments are just as entertaining as the conversation post JCN ~ Have a good Sunday ~
ReplyDeleteThank you. More so, I thought! Teamwork! ;-)
DeleteMr Newbery...
DeleteI know, I know. I'll put her beside Mary.
DeleteThis is a very amusing post dear Cosmo, but I did not understand zer original text message. (with a french accent)
ReplyDeletexoxoxo ♡
Thank you Dianne, I completely understand your accented puzzlement. I didn't understand it either. It made no sense but it happened. Stuff happens. The whole episode will close once and for all after comments to this post cease. Cheap therapy.
DeleteCan she dance?
DeleteBe polite to my guests Sancho, if the Director doesn't ask for her to dance, she doesn't have to.
DeleteYes, it is most amusing mon ami! To think zat one text message would cause all of zese comments. (again with a french accent)
ReplyDeleteOui, Sancho, I can dance!
xoxoxo ♡
You really shouldn't encourage him, Dianne.
Delete¡ Vamos a señorita! ¡ Beber vino y bailar toda la noche!
DeleteTsk! I tried to warn you. Sancho! Sit!
DeleteWoof.
DeleteSo witty. I smiled all the way through!
ReplyDeleteThere are those who would say that you are half right. Not me, of course.
DeleteGreat! A halfwit on a quarter horse!
DeleteHaven't laughed this much since Granny got her tits caught in the mangle.
ReplyDeletePerhaps "Wash your mouth out" is a rude thing to say to a French woman?
ReplyDeletePerhaps it was the only french she knew?
ReplyDeleteNo, she speaks it like a native.
DeleteI speak it like a native too!
DeleteA Spanish native?
Deletesms, notes, poem, & comments..thanks for the hilarious journey Cosmo.. :D
ReplyDeleteA pleasure, my dear, an absolute pleasure.
Deletewhoa this makes me smile a lot! :-)
ReplyDeleteWhoa? But I was just getting up a head of steam...
DeleteDo you hear the people sing?
ReplyDeleteSinging a song of angry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not be slaves again!
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!
You don't sound particularly miserable, what's the story?
DeleteWe're not. We're looking forward to tomorrow.
Delete"What do we want?"
ReplyDelete"Apathy!"
"When do we want it?"
"Don't care!"
Um. Wrong blog; try the Amalgamated Metal Worker's site.
DeleteThe sun'll come out
ReplyDeleteTomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You're always
A day
A way
It's not a bloody music hall. Go away!
DeleteThe French guys were allowed to sing...
Delete'Ullo Sir. I'd like to talk about the use of underage actors on your blog.
DeleteI didn't use her. She gate crashed. Or stage crashed. Or whatever. You can't expect me to pay award wages to trespassers.
DeleteI know I'm gonna like it here
DeleteUsed to room in a tomb
Where i'd sit and freeze
Get me now, holy cow
Could someone pinch me please.
Did I hear someone ask for a cow?
DeleteAre you running a boarding house as well?
DeleteIt's spelled 'bawding'.
DeleteSecurity! Throw these people out!
DeleteAnd Sancho, you should talk - I've seen your limericks...
DeleteSo, ah, when are you going to put a stop to this nonsense?
ReplyDeleteTonight.
DeleteMy mother uses that phrase, "Wash you mouth out" all the time. Even with strangers on the bus. It is all most peculiar. Good luck sorting it out.
DeleteI bet the lady at the other side of this doesn't speak to your Mum either.
DeleteTrue she hasn't. Spoken about her though...
DeleteThat doesn't count.
DeleteToo many comments to read, sorry, J, but I grin at the idea of participatory poetry. It's like you wrote the first graffiti on the wall and after no one can find the beginning. Though there is more control here and I believe you still have the most lines. Do not throw in the towel!
ReplyDeleteThanks Susan. Home ground advantage with just the occasional 'own goal'.
Deletehahaha Oh, too bad for you :-)
ReplyDeleteYou put one of those "life's moment's" smile on my face.
ZQ
It was certainly an unexpected sms to receive, a definite WTF moment but perhaps it will turn out for the best.
Delete...but they care about each other...these characters....what else to wish! :)
ReplyDeleteThey did.
Deletei like these kinds of conversations, they can lead anywhere.
ReplyDeleteDid you hear about Rick O'Shea, the Irish bouncer?
Delete"What do we want?"
ReplyDelete"Tourette's Sydrome!"
"When do we want it?"
"va te faire foutre!"
You're no help.
DeleteSems that we have overdone it a bit here, this time.
ReplyDeleteWell, once in a while is all right, I suppose.
Peace and joy!
Bear with me, ok?
Deletethank you for the new vocabulary...especially one so hateful from the language of love
ReplyDeleteVous êtes les bienvenus.
ReplyDelete(Drum roll and cymbals.)
ReplyDeleteThe curtain falls, a single spotlight illuminates the centre stage....
ReplyDeleteHappily, that is the end of this performance.
ReplyDeleteNext season, for a lighter note,
We will produce Titus Andronicus.
The theatre is now closed.
--- La Fin - Larfin’ ---