Saturday, July 12, 2014

Dear Dorothy Dix...


A strange SMS series yesterday.
I have omitted the first line
to avoid identifying the sender, 
she had asked me how the trip was.
In seven comments, a relationship
spiralled into the poo.  Incroyable.
I believe it was also a full moon.

Note: the comments 
are part of the composition,
but no new comments
can be added.


Dear Dorothy

Dearest Dorothy Dix,
The house was not made of good bricks,
A flippant response 
From the top of my nonce
Displayed just straw and not sticks.

Let me say further Miss Dix,
The reply just knocked me for six,
With a minimum of words
A crude blow has incurred*,
Should I go or attempt at a fix?

Puzzled of Melbourne.

Dear Puzzled of Melbourne, you clot!
Why on earth do you need to ask? Dot.

.
---
© J Cosmo Newbery 2014
---

* “va te faire foutre” = “Go fuck yourself”.

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140 comments:

  1. Clearly didn't take kindly to being told to wash their mouth out.

    Look on the bright side : you are educating your readers with the coarser side of French.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was a light comment, said lightly. Never mind. Yes, educational.

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    2. What do you reckon Dorothy meant?

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    3. Come Sancho, my horse! There be giants to fight...

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    4. I'm ready, Master!

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    5. Good! Come Sancho! To La Mancha!

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  2. Vot vas der fantasy? Vas about die Mutter, ja?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dunno. Something that goes 'sploosh'.

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    2. Paté de foie gras, dropped from 20,000 feet?

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    3. Tell me, Herr Sancho, vhy do you think that your Mutter ist ein paté being?

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    4. Could equally use a steak & kidney pie. They go 'sploosh' too.

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    5. Zo! Is your Mutter being a paté or ein pie? Ich am ambivalence in you sensing.

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    6. I think Sancho is just suggesting 'SPLOOSH' making things. I'm not convinced he is fantasizing about them. Mind you it could be a very large list and there are a few things in such a list he may fantasize about. What noise does a donkey make?

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    7. Hang on...what do you mean?

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  3. It seems to me that your brain caught up with your body fairly rapidly. Jealous thoughts. My brain has been out to lunch for some time - and didn't invite me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ich haben only ein couch. Taken ein number und in the hallvay gevaiten, bitte.

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    2. Be nice to my visitors...

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  4. I reckon, after 'Fantasy...SPLOOSH' you should have replied 'Que¿'. The towel thing was just too much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not a bloody chess match! "I think you should have taken the Bishop rather than advancing the pawn on the Queen's side." Pffft! to that. I'm a knight!

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    2. A legend in your own shower recess.

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    3. Vould you be tellink me about the shower recess? Ist du naked being? Vas your Mutter being there also?

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    4. He may be a knight but the girls only rate him part of a night.

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    5. Vich part of die knight?

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    6. No, no. Not knight, night.

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  5. I think your mistake was to suggest that you had a brain. Not a notable characteristic in males in some circles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The memory part still works.

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    2. Memory, thank you very much.

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    3. AnonymousJuly 12, 2014

      A small titter ran through the crowd.

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  6. So, what did you do after that?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The only think I could do - blocked her.

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    2. Think she'll come back?

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    3. Nah, probably not. It's a pity but she's French and pride will stop her.

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  7. AnonymousJuly 12, 2014

    That conversation makes no sense. What on earth prompted the high-voltage response?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not the right one to ask. That's the trouble with text, all text, it doesn't carry a 'tone of voice' filter. That's why 'smileys' were invented.

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    2. AnonymousJuly 12, 2014

      But there must have been something else, surely?

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    3. AnonymousJuly 12, 2014

      I don't understand.

      Delete
  8. “Va te faire foutre”. It sounds so much gentler in French, no?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's the thought that counts. Or so I am told.

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  9. There are the romantics associated with the French language very apparent here. Pity I don't quite understand. But irrespective it sounds nice! Wonderful write Cosmo!

    Hank

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Content que ça vous a plu. Ne l'avez vous lu? (Comme ci, comme ça)

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    2. The DirectorJuly 13, 2014

      You're not supposed to understand it. The whole point is that everything, starting with the text exchange, is incomprehensible.

      Delete
  10. oh goody! what timing! i just had an occasion to use that phrase .. so i said it in french just as it is here. thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Never let it be said that my posts are not educational, Foam. Pleased to be of assistance!

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    2. AnonymousJuly 13, 2014

      Under the circumstances, shouldn't you have said 'At your cervix, Madame"?

      Delete
  11. The Director (off stage)July 13, 2014

    Attention everybody, can I have you attention please! Could you all move closer to the centre of the stage, remember we have a poor French lady who has received a torrent of abuse, a torrent, so please, feel her pain. Ok...Mr Newbery, proceed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hang on, all I said was 'wash your mouth out' because she had asked me if I was at work. Surely that was a callous and uncaring comment on her part?

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    2. ClaudetteJuly 13, 2014

      Et tu fou? French women do not 'wash', they rinse.

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    3. Oh, sure. And spit, sorry, transfer into a white china urn from whence it is carried away by white doves?

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    4. ClaudetteJuly 13, 2014

      Exactement.

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  12. The boy stood on the burning deck,
    His pocket full of crackers.
    One went off.
    They all went off.
    And fair blew off his(ow!)...who hit me?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me, dolt! What do you think you are doing?

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    2. I felt the show needed a musical number.

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    3. Bagpipes would have been more musical.

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  13. Harry, the Hydrologist.July 13, 2014

    As a rough guide, a wash will usually incorporate just a small portion of a glass of water and will not, in hydrological terms, make a torrent. The towel is, on paper at least, the natural enemy of a torrent but usually finds itself mopping outside its league.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, maybe not a torrent. Anyway, how do you get a torrent out of three partial sentences? Nah, I don't know either.

      Delete
  14. Frau KnipplegepinchenJuly 13, 2014

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Schadenfreude! Meine kleine Pinchette, is das du?

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    2. Can I see you after the show?

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    3. Haben sie ein appointment maken?

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    4. (mutter mutter mutter)

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  15. I still don't understand why washing her mouth out 'splooshed' her fantasy. What was her fantasy? A dirty mouth?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Perhaps it doesn't sound dirty in French?

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    2. "Vous êtes un type de vache espagnole." Did that feel better?

      Delete
  16. Bob the Builder.July 13, 2014

    She doesn't sound like a good brick at all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think she just misunderstood a flippant comment. She has been a good brick in the past.

      Delete
  17. Well, ha, everyone above has said it all. Smiles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Director (off stage)July 13, 2014

      Mr Newbery, could you move Mary to a non-dancing position at the back of the chorus, thank you.

      Delete
  18. Well the comments are just as entertaining as the conversation post JCN ~ Have a good Sunday ~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. More so, I thought! Teamwork! ;-)

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    2. The Director (off stage)July 13, 2014

      Mr Newbery...

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    3. I know, I know. I'll put her beside Mary.

      Delete
  19. This is a very amusing post dear Cosmo, but I did not understand zer original text message. (with a french accent)
    xoxoxo ♡

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Dianne, I completely understand your accented puzzlement. I didn't understand it either. It made no sense but it happened. Stuff happens. The whole episode will close once and for all after comments to this post cease. Cheap therapy.

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    2. Be polite to my guests Sancho, if the Director doesn't ask for her to dance, she doesn't have to.

      Delete
  20. Yes, it is most amusing mon ami! To think zat one text message would cause all of zese comments. (again with a french accent)
    Oui, Sancho, I can dance!
    xoxoxo ♡

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You really shouldn't encourage him, Dianne.

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    2. ¡ Vamos a señorita! ¡ Beber vino y bailar toda la noche!

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    3. Tsk! I tried to warn you. Sancho! Sit!

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  21. So witty. I smiled all the way through!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There are those who would say that you are half right. Not me, of course.

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    2. Great! A halfwit on a quarter horse!

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  22. Haven't laughed this much since Granny got her tits caught in the mangle.

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  23. Perhaps "Wash your mouth out" is a rude thing to say to a French woman?

    ReplyDelete
  24. Mrs Fenn (from Facebook)July 13, 2014

    Perhaps it was the only french she knew?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, she speaks it like a native.

      Delete
    2. I speak it like a native too!

      Delete
  25. sms, notes, poem, & comments..thanks for the hilarious journey Cosmo.. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A pleasure, my dear, an absolute pleasure.

      Delete
  26. whoa this makes me smile a lot! :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whoa? But I was just getting up a head of steam...

      Delete
  27. One group of people, marching:July 13, 2014

    Do you hear the people sing?
    Singing a song of angry men?
    It is the music of a people
    Who will not be slaves again!
    When the beating of your heart
    Echoes the beating of the drums
    There is a life about to start
    When tomorrow comes!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You don't sound particularly miserable, what's the story?

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    2. We're not. We're looking forward to tomorrow.

      Delete
  28. Another group of people, also marching:July 13, 2014

    "What do we want?"
    "Apathy!"
    "When do we want it?"
    "Don't care!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Um. Wrong blog; try the Amalgamated Metal Worker's site.

      Delete
  29. The sun'll come out
    Tomorrow
    So ya gotta hang on
    'Til tomorrow
    Come what may
    Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
    I love ya Tomorrow!
    You're always
    A day
    A way

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not a bloody music hall. Go away!

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    2. The French guys were allowed to sing...

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    3. Actor's Equity Shop StewardJuly 13, 2014

      'Ullo Sir. I'd like to talk about the use of underage actors on your blog.

      Delete
    4. I didn't use her. She gate crashed. Or stage crashed. Or whatever. You can't expect me to pay award wages to trespassers.

      Delete
    5. I know I'm gonna like it here
      Used to room in a tomb
      Where i'd sit and freeze
      Get me now, holy cow
      Could someone pinch me please.

      Delete
    6. Did I hear someone ask for a cow?

      Delete
    7. Actor's Equity Shop StewardJuly 13, 2014

      Are you running a boarding house as well?

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    8. It's spelled 'bawding'.

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    9. Security! Throw these people out!

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    10. And Sancho, you should talk - I've seen your limericks...

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  30. So, ah, when are you going to put a stop to this nonsense?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My mother uses that phrase, "Wash you mouth out" all the time. Even with strangers on the bus. It is all most peculiar. Good luck sorting it out.

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    2. I bet the lady at the other side of this doesn't speak to your Mum either.

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    3. True she hasn't. Spoken about her though...

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  31. Too many comments to read, sorry, J, but I grin at the idea of participatory poetry. It's like you wrote the first graffiti on the wall and after no one can find the beginning. Though there is more control here and I believe you still have the most lines. Do not throw in the towel!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Susan. Home ground advantage with just the occasional 'own goal'.

      Delete
  32. hahaha Oh, too bad for you :-)
    You put one of those "life's moment's" smile on my face.
    ZQ

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was certainly an unexpected sms to receive, a definite WTF moment but perhaps it will turn out for the best.

      Delete
  33. ...but they care about each other...these characters....what else to wish! :)

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  34. i like these kinds of conversations, they can lead anywhere.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did you hear about Rick O'Shea, the Irish bouncer?

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  35. Another group of people, marching:July 14, 2014

    "What do we want?"
    "Tourette's Sydrome!"
    "When do we want it?"
    "va te faire foutre!"

    ReplyDelete
  36. Sems that we have overdone it a bit here, this time.

    Well, once in a while is all right, I suppose.

    Peace and joy!

    ReplyDelete
  37. thank you for the new vocabulary...especially one so hateful from the language of love

    ReplyDelete
  38. OrchestraJuly 14, 2014

    (Drum roll and cymbals.)

    ReplyDelete
  39. Stage Directions:July 14, 2014

    The curtain falls, a single spotlight illuminates the centre stage....

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  40. Happily, that is the end of this performance.

    Next season, for a lighter note,
    We will produce Titus Andronicus.

    The theatre is now closed.

    --- La Fin - Larfin’ ---

    ReplyDelete