Friday, June 07, 2013

529 : Nocturne II

This is a rework of the previous poem.
I had tried to do an hexasonnetta, a form
which uses 6 syllables per line, and found it clunky.
I have reworked it in a 8/6 pattern, keeping the original rhymes,
and am much happier with it.


Nocturne II

The evening twilight is bringing
A stillness, without grace.
No fleecy jacket can erase
A shiver that is tingling,
And the birds have stopped their singing—
It seemed so out of place.

As the light is quickly fading,
The sense is of despair,
A numbing chill hangs in the air,
And shadows are parading
A sadness that’s all pervading,
It’s more than most can bear.

And, with the fading of the light,
The darkness of the night.

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© J Cosmo Newbery 2013
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21 comments:

  1. So true that darkness DOES often affect the mind. Oftentimes sadness DOES intensify at night.

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  2. This is a very interesting approach to the sonnet form. Your rhymes are impeccable and the meter reads well with the classical four and three beat lines.

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  3. Lovely work on the form. I specially like these lines:

    And shadows are parading
    A sadness that’s all pervading,
    It’s more than most can bear.

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  4. I wouldn't have called the first 'clunky' but I also like this one better. It flows more gently, like the encroaching night.

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  5. it does flow more smoothly. (still adore "and the birds have stopped their singing"

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  6. Dark and sad. Nice expression of the winter blues no doubt brought about by Melbourne's hideous climate.

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  7. I like the flow of it.. and how softly you fall into that feeling... it's somewhat seductive, as is darkness and sadness.. love the photographs as well.

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  8. Yes I like it flow as well. True about the night...

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  9. :) sometimes silence of night brings new thoughts

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  10. It has a nice flow to it. A good read aloud poem. :-)

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  11. this is wonderful and I love that photo

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  12. personally i rather like the night...when the life of day stills...there is still so much that comes alive....
    nice rhythm for sure.

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  13. And, with the fading of the light,
    The darkness of the night

    Most activities come to a standstill with the fading of light. Activities are curbed, how true!. Nice rhyming Cosmo!

    Hank

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  14. Ah, this is a lovely bit of writing!

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  15. The fading light puts life to a standstill and shapes deep emotions. So well penned, Cosmo. Very nice...

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  16. Very affecting, kiddo. So lovely, and very poignant.

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  17. Thanks - I like this line a lot:

    And shadows are parading
    A sadness that’s all pervading,

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  18. Back here again for poetry pantry. I do like walking at night. In the summer it is cooler and in the winter is muffled and intimate. But there are some nights that for whatever reason take on the "flavor" you describe here.

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    Replies
    1. Come as often as you like, Margaret! :-)

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  19. This is my new favorite poem.

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