Sunday, September 15, 2013

610 : Two Blokes Talking


Sunday Whirl (Wordle #126) presents a list of words
that we must incorporate in a writing piece.  

The words this week are:
vivacious, vibrant, vacuous, manipulative, vision, single,
sumptuous, slather, spread, short, sassy, violet, master.


Two Blokes Talking
In vino veritas, in cervisia fellatio.
There’s a flat truth in wine but, if you like a good head, drink beer.

The scene: two men enter a quiet pub in a quiet suburb
for a quiet beer and a quiet chat.

Ah, here’s a table.
(To the waitress) Two beers, thanks love.
So, do you really want to hear my thoughts on her?

Well, you used to like her…

(laughs)  Like? An awful, stodgy word, like. 
But stodge is sort of an appropriate word for her. 
Let’s just say that she had her attractions.

So you would have…?  (makes crude hand gesture)

Her?  No, about as sexually appealing as yesterday’s porridge…
some rumours about that she is a lesbian…(shrugs)...as if that’s important…
the commentaries are pretty vacuous at times...I will grant you though,
when she was in full flight, she could be really vivacious and vibrant…
but turned it on and off at will, which was a bit disconcerting.
Never felt it was deeply felt.  Nevermind.  But, you know,
she could be really pretty…sort of doll-like pretty…

…what?  Inflatable? (smirks)

(laughs) No, no, porcelain…lacked that sassy something that, you know,
makes you want to bite off  her buttons…

Not a lot on the other side of the shirt, from what I can see!

(Nodding) Yeah true, but as a friend says anything more than a handful is a waste.
Mind you that friend doesn’t have a lot either so perhaps she’s not a good authority.
Physically, she wasn’t a particularly sumptuous feast, more the single course,
dieter’s special…you know, ricotta on rivita

Oh, tasty!  Did you know she had a tattoo?

A rumour I heard said it was a violet...sounds elegant enough.

I thought it was something fiercer—a bulldog perhaps.

Yeah. Maybe. I’d heard something about that too.
The rumour mills run rife with these things...what's it matter in the end?
Never understood why people get tattoos, though.
At least you can change a numberplate that says SPANKY,
or some such, for something else when you grow up.
Not a good look when your position requires judgement.

Yeah…true…didn't you find her a bit manipulative?

She had to be, surely?  Ruthless too.  Anyway most women are. 
You expect it.  Besides, she’s Welsh and they are notoriously short tempered
and single minded.  It’s to do with the hair colour, I think.

I suppose so.  She certainly managed to get the powers that be
to give her open slather to spread her vision of the future…

…of the past, too…

…true…they love this sort of thing, for a short while anyway. 
Do you miss her?

(Laughs) Nah.  Just an interesting diversion.  Her time has passed.
We have a new master now! 

Oh, please don’t…

Yes, it’s The Year of the Gloating Lizard and…

Don’t say it!

…budgie smugglers! 
Our coat of arms will be replaced by a pair of Lycra Speedos.

(weeps)

Waitress!—Two more beers, thanks love. 
Oh...and a bag of nuts.
.
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© J Cosmo Newbery 2013
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109 comments:

  1. Was the bulldog Sophie Mirrabella?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Probably not, no. But it does depend on where on the anatomy she had it, I guess.

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    2. Courtney ActSeptember 15, 2013

      There are at least two other girls here who are your verse victims. I wonder if it is illegal to write poetry on people?

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    3. What else is there? There are only so many poems you can write about daffodils. Hang on a minute. By 'on people' do you mean about them or physically on their creamy alabaster thighs?

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    4. I know what a preposition is. I went to a private school!

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    5. Have you been prepositioned lately?

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    6. Dolores, known as LolitaSeptember 15, 2013

      I had private schooling but it is possibly not the same thing.

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    7. Homework for DkaL: read and explain the difference between teaching and grooming.

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    8. In my experience, grooming depends on the phase of the moon.

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    9. Probably not what I meant but an understandable misunderstanding (if there is such a thing). I was thinking more of the grooming that goes on on the internet.

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    10. Do you mean like Brazillians and other such painful things?

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    11. No. The only thing I wax is lyrical.

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  2. Bessie May MuchoSeptember 15, 2013

    I don't like you anymore.I will never allow you to write verse on my thighs ever again!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How was I to know you were allergic to melted Tim Tams?

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    2. Ocker Bloke BazzaSeptember 15, 2013

      Whadderbout Vegemite?

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    3. Coincidentally, I run a small upper-leg cleaning business, called The Thigh's The Limit. Give me a call.

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    4. Since when was anything about you clean? I've read your limericks!

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    5. OBB (three parts yobbo?) - Good heavens man, nobody writes in Vegemite. It clogs the nib. Unless, of course, you use a goose feather. Are you partial to a cheap quill?

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    6. A fellow got into a fix
      Writing poems, with choc’late bix.
      To the lady’s surprise
      He wrote on her thighs
      But she beat him away with some sticks.

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    7. Don't give up your day job.

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  3. Poor Julia. I hope the Hounds of the Hun leave her alone now.

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    Replies
    1. They'll probably chase her down Middleton Beach, trying to photograph her tattoo.

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  4. He could only fit haiku on mine. I am dropping him now as well!

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    Replies
    1. I thought a quadriceps was a four verse poem until I found Smirnoff.

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    2. If he could fit Homer's Odyssey I would be worried.

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    3. Well, if you are going to write with the soggy end of a Tim Tam, a haiku is about the limit, space-wise and chocolate-wise. Seventeen syllables, fourteen of them 'mmmmm'.

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    4. Former Head Prefect (disgraced)September 15, 2013

      If you feel like starting off with a clean slate, let me know.

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    5. Bigeez BellaSeptember 15, 2013

      Homer's Odyssey...LOL...Diet must start tomorrow.

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    6. There's always the search for the golden fleece.

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    7. The Argonauts (singing)September 15, 2013

      We travel not for poetry alone,
      By silky thighs our fevered minds are creased;
      For lust of knowing what should not be known
      We make our way to the Golden Fleece.

      (Apologies to Jimmy Flecker)

      Delete
  5. Like the dialogue but have I stumbled upon some sort of political movement?

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    Replies
    1. No Shit SherlockSeptember 15, 2013

      Just avoid the bulldog's movements.

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    2. Sherlock: wasn't 'The Adventure of the Red Headed League' one of yours?

      Howling: No, just innocent bystanders to the passing political cesspit.

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    3. It is always passing and never just passes. Sadly.

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  6. So long as the political cesspit does pass. Please. I have been left feeling more than a little queasy by your ugly suggestion of a change to our Coat of Arms. We are currently probably the only country which habitually cooks and eats its Coat of Arms...

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    Replies
    1. No way am I cooking and eating a budgie smuggler! Even the idea of our national dish moving to 'mixed nuts' is a bit unsettling.

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    2. Barbeque BillSeptember 15, 2013

      Eritrea has a camel on it's coat of arms, Solomon Islands have a shark and a crocodile, Uganda has a couple of animals that look as if they should be edible, Uraguay has a bull and a horse, Venezuela also has a horse, and Zimbabwe has two gazelles or similar.

      Anyone for a mixed grill?

      Delete
  7. Northern LightsSeptember 15, 2013

    Far to wordy. Can't be bothered to enter the competion itself so will post off Broadway.
    Here, try this.

    Violet
    a vivacious
    vibrant but vacuous
    single short sassy chick
    was a master in the art of
    manipulative behaviour
    renowned for her slather
    of sumptuous fashion shoes
    She spread her legs
    for just about anyone
    One could go blind
    from the dazzle
    of this edifying vision

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    Replies
    1. Northern Lights - seems the sun is shining from a more southern portal.

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    2. Don't you mean 'porthole'?

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    3. I feel I should say something about 'seamen' but also suspect I shouldn't.

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    4. Don't encourage him, Stan!

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  8. Lol... but c'mon, a pub with a waitress...?

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    Replies
    1. Welcome to Australia, Stan. Irish pubs are the best. Recommend The Quiet Man.

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  9. Northern Lights is obviously a genius.Refreshing to read verse of such substance and wit, using all these words effortlessly. Sometimes I wonder if this blog is worthy of such superior contributions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I pride myself in attacting only the best and most discerning readers.

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    2. As always, there are exceptions.

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  10. A charming piece, a pleasure to read, thank you.

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  11. Madame YottaSeptember 15, 2013

    It restates the negativeness of the universe, the hideous lonely emptiness of existence, nothingness, the predicament of man forced to live in a barren, godless eternity, like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void, with nothing but waste, horror, and degradation, forming a useless bleak straightjacket in a black absurd cosmos. I like it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did not know Cosmo was black. Absurd,maybe!

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    2. A very pale black, you understand. Absurd is my normal resting state, as sensible as I get.

      Delete
  12. You're giving Australians an international airing with this piece. I am now hiding behind Uluru in case someone points at me.

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    Replies
    1. Small boy in the crowd:September 15, 2013

      There he is! There he is!

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    2. I didn't know Uluru had a behind. it is always photographed from one direction.

      Delete
  13. Everyone points at you in awe anyway oldegg!

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  14. Sammy the SquirrelSeptember 15, 2013

    What sort of nuts?

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    Replies
    1. Mixed. Roasted. Salted. Why do you ask?

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    2. He's a squirrel. What part of squirreldom don't you understand?

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  15. Amusing conversation JCN ~ And the comments are just entertaining too ~ Have a good Sunday ~

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    Replies
    1. If I have amused you Grace, my day has not been wasted! ;-)

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  16. So often conversations about other people focus on the negative. I wonder if the gossipers realize that their poisonous thoughts are to their own detriment. Your poem opens a window on an important social concept here.

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    Replies
    1. Sadly, you are right Kerry. Gossip is seldom positive or complementary. And yet it seems a very natural part of the human psyche. I wonder why.

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    2. An important social concept? Meanness, gossip, judgmental twaddle and backstabbing? Sounds like parliament. Oh yeah...

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  17. a bag of nuts...and lycra speeder...things that are common....hahaha...nice close on this...ha i like the comment on cooking and eating the coat of arms as well...this is us, eh?

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    Replies
    1. I would go the other way and put a Big Mac on our coat of arms. Make a virue of it.

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    2. Never thought I would see you talking of virtues.

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  18. Yes, I think this is an interesting sociological study on flawed human nature and the propensity of people to delight in the negative destructive and the vicious.A good reason for ditching the secular materialistic values of this society,inculcating the rewards of virtue at an early age through religious belief and re - establishing some sound Christian values before this progressive pagan world returns completely to barbarism.

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    Replies
    1. Alphonse! Naughty! Naughty! I told you to stay away from the altar wine!

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    2. Barbarism? What have you got against hairdressers?

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  19. And I always thought men discussed sports over a beer! Oh wait...I get it! It's all about scoring...or not!

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    Replies
    1. Ca-ching! Give Wabi Sabi a bag of nuts!

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  20. So that's what they talk about~ :) I felt like I was in my local, eavesdropping, J Cosmo.

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    Replies
    1. It's only breaking a secret if you share it with more than three people. Or so I am told.

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  21. So very witty--and I too feel like I am eavesdropping!

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    Replies
    1. hang on! Were you eavesdropping on Talon's comment?

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  22. I just lost my tongue...what we're commenting on? on comments? this sumptuous life...:)

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    Replies
    1. That's a very perceptive question, humbird. Very few readers would really know what they are really commenting on. But that's OK.

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    2. That's OK. I don't think you know what you are writing about most weeks.

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  23. Oh this made me laugh, J Cosmo. You set the scene beautifully. This would be a great humorous duo for speech kids. I can envision it acted out. Well done!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In the realm of one of Shakespeare's great tragedies?

      Thanks Brenda and thanks for the prompt. A bit of a challenge with so many powerful words.

      Delete
  24. that's an interesting conversation.would make a good soap episode.

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    Replies
    1. Nice observation Abin; it was based on a soap opera!

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  25. Replies
    1. That's it! We'll put a well-done steak on the Coat of Arms!

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    2. Don't be saucy, you hardly know Daphne!

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  26. I am reading this postage and I am being of the opinion that it is being full of nothing and to be pointed in the direction of nowhere in the particular, isn't it?

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    Replies
    1. It means something to someone, I'm sure.

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  27. Perhaps the "Spanky" was a direction...or order!

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    Replies
    1. And because I'm so politically-correct (cough)...I chose to ignore the political undertones...underwear...I'm undercover.

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    2. Bjelke Petersen's Love ChildSeptember 16, 2013

      Obviously relaying secret code..a member of the banana branch of ASIO on the look out for dissidents!

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    3. An anagram of NAPSKY, the secret code for a Russian sleeper!

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    4. I always thought Lee looked Russian.

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  28. I started reading the comments which are hilarious, but require sharp wits, of which I am sadly lacking.......it sounds like you all had a LOT of fun with this one, and that is way cool!

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    Replies
    1. Oh, jump in Sherry! The more the merrier!

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  29. I LOVE the notion that this was inspired by the wordle words ... I more than adore the discourse that the your witty dialogue provoked - Great work m'dear :)

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    Replies
    1. Aw shucks...(shuffles feet awkwardly)...thank you.

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  30. You only prove that man gossip is pretty much the same as that of women... they both talk about other women more than anything else. The conversation below the poem is a fun read, as well. Sounds rather familiar, the peanut gallery is always present.

    Elizabeth

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    Replies
    1. We learnt from the experts! And, yes, you can't escape from the nutters.

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  31. Replies
    1. Did you pick up on the limerick in the comments?

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  32. The Mad MonkSeptember 16, 2013

    STOP THE BLOKES! STOP THE BLOKES!

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  33. No Welsh girl should read this. You sure could spin it.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I found this quite amusing, J. Well done.

    Pamela

    ReplyDelete

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