Sunday, April 29, 2012

CCXCVII - A Vampire named Flynn

 dVerse had the topic "Vampires".

A Vampire named Flynn.

There was a young vampire named Flynn,
A disgrace to his bloodsucking kin.
He was reduced to a wreck
By the smooth skin of a neck
And blood sent him into a spin,
A spin,
And blood sent him into a spin.

His origin was pure Hungarian,
But his diet was strict vegetarian.
He ate lots of fruit,
Played songs on a lute,
And wanted to be a librarian,
And wanted to be a librarian.

And so that is the tale of young Flynn,
Who never had blood on his chin.
He drank chamomile teas,
Ate soups of green peas
And custard, without any skin.
Any skin,
And custard, without any skin.

© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery

CCXCVI - The Yak

.Mad Kane has a regular limerick challenge.
She provides the first line, the rest is up to us.
Coincidentally, there is an ad campaign for Fat Yak Pale Ale on at the moment.

A man had a notable knack
Of leading the girls to the sack.
It wasn’t his finesse
That made them undress
But the fact he was hung like a Yak.


A girl had a notable knack
Of ending the night on her back.
“I’ve thought about stopping
But it pays for the shopping
And my account is well in the black.”


A man had a notable knack
Of endlessly praising his Mac.
When he refused calls to cease
He was covered in grease
And dropped off a pier in a sack.

© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Repost - The Letter

Today, April 25th, is ANZAC Day in Australia.
Ninety-seven years ago Australian and New Zealand soldiers were landed in southern Turkey
as part of Churchill’s ill-conceived plan to attack Germany from the south.
Thousands died.
I wrote this two years ago but it still seems appropriate.

There’s a picket fence and a cottage gate,
An anxious frown, the postman’s late…
He comes at last, he understands,
And the precious envelope changes hands.

The Letter

Dearest Mother, it’s late, it’s cold,
Me and some mates are in a trench,
Huddled for warmth, no food, no smokes.
I can’t begin to describe the stench
Of the bodies we have no time
To bury in any sort of respectful way.
They say the push is on tomorrow,
Never have I so dreaded the day.
It’s a lottery, you know, who gets shot
We shout and holler and run the guns,
To drop and dig all over again.
Greetings from Hell, your loving son.


As every mother ruefully learns
It’s not her son who eventually returns;
There’s a stranger standing in her hall,
If, of course, he returns at all.

Translated from the Turkish.

© 2010 - J Cosmo Newbery

Monday, April 23, 2012

CCXCV - The Quest

.Mad Kane has a regular limerick challenge.
She provides the first line, the rest is up to us.

A woman was off on a quest
For a man who, at her behest,
Would dentally undress her
Sensually caress her,’ll have to imagine the rest.


A fellow was off on a quest
To find a young lady, undressed.
As his opening line
Was “Your place or mine?”
The ladies were far from impressed.


© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery

Sunday, April 22, 2012

CCXCIV - Darwin's Finch

I was listening to a talk recently where the speaker used the line
"Like Darwin's finch, we must adapt or die".  It touched a chord.

Darwin’s Finch

On each island you will find a different bird,
Adapted to the vagaries of its habitance.
While they have no control of what occurred,
They’ve made the most of their inheritance.

Their families come from a  common thread,
Their surrounds have given divergency.
Their beaks and foods and even songs, it’s said,
Have been pushed by evolutionary urgency.

We, too, are confined to an island home,
Set in the vast ocean of intergalactic space.
As resources dwindle and populations grow,
Environmental impacts will  be commonplace.

In the New World, hotter, wetter and, oh so brave,
With what kind of finch will we share our cave?

© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery

Sunday, April 15, 2012

CCXCIII - Sundry woes

Mad Kane has a regular limerick challenge.
She provides the first line, the rest is up to us.
I had two slants on it:
A man was recounting his woes,
About how he’d lost sight of his toes,
His mouth, he’d admit,
Was a bottomless pit:
It was a case of anything goes.
A girl was recounting her woes
In finding some half decent clothes.
When her partner confessed
He preferred her undressed,
He’s now buried, under a rose.

© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery

Monday, April 09, 2012

CCXCII - Brain Snap

Mad Kane has a regular limerick challenge.
She provides the first line, the rest is up to us.
I had two slants on it: 
 A fellow was starting to snap
The back of a lady’s bra-strap
When the bra-owner said:
“Touch that and you’re dead
And a law suit will land in your lap”.


A woman was starting to snap
As she sat in the car with her chap.
“Now, the point has been crossed,
Just admit that you’re lost
And take time to look at a map.”


© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery

Friday, April 06, 2012

CCXCI - In Box

.Mad Kane has a post on email in-boxes.
I hopped into hers with this...
A guy found his in-box, of late,
Held Russians in search of a mate,
Some penile enhancements,
Nigerian advancements
And twelve viruses, lying in wait.


© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery

Sunday, April 01, 2012

CCLXXXX - Blow Job

.Mad Kane has a regular limerick challenge.
She provides the first line, the rest is up to us.

A bit risqué, but I believe a limerick should be.

A fellow was trying to show
New tricks to his innocent beau.
“I grant you it’s confusing
It’s a phrase they are using:
The idea is to suck, not blow.”

© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery

CCLXXXIX - Nightmare II - The Goblin's Dream

dVerse had the prompt 'Nightmare'.
I had two takes on it.  This is the second:

The Goblin’s Dream

With a goblin on her breast festooned,
She took one look and promptly swooned.
There he sat, unimpressed,
Wanting her to be undressed;
And, crudely put, to be harpooned.

“I suggest you do not waste your scream,
Things are really as they seem.
There is no Prince to save the day
I plan to have my wicked way,
Your nightmare will be this goblin’s dream!”

Alas there was a cross-fruition
Of this nightmare coalition.
The offspring of the evil deed,
When the goblin sowed his seed,
Is now the Leader of the Opposition.

© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery

CCLXXXVIII - Nightmare I - In your dreams.

dVerse had the prompt 'Nightmare'.
I had two takes on it.  This is the first:

A quick Google found that these are the common nightmares:
Being Chased (but not chaste?), Drowning, Being Trapped, Partner Leaving Them,
Being Injured, Teeth Falling Out, Being Naked in Public, Missing a Plane or Train,
Contacted By the Dead, Natural Disasters.

Nightmare I - In Your Dreams.

As our heads make a pillow impression,
The squatters take up vacant possession.
Goblins, distilled from our deepest fears,
Take control of our internal gears.

With banshee howls, wide-eyed folk are chased
Endlessly, pointlessly and with relentless haste,
While hearing the ghostly spite of Uncle Fred,
Made all the worse, as he’s not yet dead.

Earthquakes, floods and New Year sales
Add tribulations to their tormented tales.
And just when they think there can be no more pain.
They are lost and naked and have missed their train.

Then their partner, clothed and teeth all there,
Has upped and  gone, to who knows where,
In search, they swim into an unflagged zone
And drown;  injured, toothless and alone.

I, too, have a nightmare, horrible and distressing
I’ll tell you rather than leave you guessing:

It is that a motley herd of wide-eyed, terror filled, unclothed, toothless,
entrapped and yet awkwardly mobile, largely unwanted, unwell,
hallucinating people with the watery stare of long drowned sailors
who caught the next ship and didn’t live to regret it, pursued relentlessly
by the nameless abominations of the Apocalypse, the Taxation Office,
the Collingwood Football Club and a tumbling tsunami of
all my lost ball-point pens, burst in to my study and spill my wine.

My language would be quite extreme,
Their nightmares, comparably, would be a dream.


© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery