Sunday, July 22, 2012

CCCXXXVII - Cereal Offender

This poem grew out of the previous one on scones.
What, I wondered, would I reply if a lady who read
the first poem asked me if she was a scone? 

Cereal Offender

“OK, so tell me now, am I a scone?”
The voice was honeyed but dripped
With threat of traps, of spike-filled pits
Of trip wires and of arrows, sharp flint tipped.

“OK, so tell me now, am I a scone?”
“You are a scone of the sweetest kind!
I’d cover you with cream and jam
And them eat you, if you didn’t mind!”

She smiled a smile of a satisfied sort,
He breathed and smiled with some relief;
Comparing women to the cereal world
Is a shortcut to a life of grief.

“Dumpling” and Pudding” can be used,
With the saucy permission lovers give,
But only call her a crumpet to her face
If you’ve lost the will to live.

Insurance companies will disown you
If you tell a lady she’s a tart.
There’s a fine-print cancellation clause
For when good sense departs.

There are other words the boys will use:
Cheesecake, muffin, roll and trifle.
But it’s not wise to use them with a lady
Who has access to a rifle.

So, my lads, heed my advice,
And avoid the language of the baker.
It is not flour but flowers you need,
So find some, now, to take her.

© 2012   J Cosmo Newbery

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  1. I considered trying to explain that 'tart' is a contraction of 'sweetheart' but decided it was too difficult.

  2. and women. Eating. Swallowing. Tasting. Finger licking good (I think that was a chicken franchise slogan)- I'm free associating here. Could definitely be a walk through a mine field - but, heck, why not LIVE DANGEROUSLY!


  3. There is living dangerously and there is dying suicidally! I am all for the food connection, it is wonderfully sensuous, but not when used as a put-down. I guess it all gets back to how you say it, and when. :-)

  4. A tasty presentation. Requiring thought.

  5. It could be said that you are a fruitcake, yes?

  6. hahaha .... I suppose you're right. I've suffered under 'pumpkin' and 'my little muffin' - truly I just laugh. And I have my own wicked comebacks!



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