Tuesday, February 24, 2009

CXXIV - The Award


One Minute Writer had a topic called "Award"
You've just won an Academy Award.
What will you say in your acceptance speech?

The Award

Act 1, Scene I
[In the Great Hall]

The winner of the award for making merry
Is the one and only J Cosmo Newbery!

(Orchestral flourish, Newbery bounds onto the stage.)

Members of the Academy
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Firstly, I would like to thank
The midwife, I believe her name was Gwen.
No, actually, to do things properly
I should go right back
To the man who introduce my parents,
Granny’s brother Jack.
My Dad, of course, gets my thanks,
He was a super bloke.
And thanks should go to Bonko,
Makers of the rubber that fortuitously broke.
My mother was such a caring soul,
A protective mother hen;
And then there was the midwife,
No, sorry, I’ve already mentioned Gwen.
Next there was the nurse
Who carried me to the door,
For “safety reasons” she said
But Dad was never sure.
He felt she’d pulled a swifty,
And somehow changed me for another
But no one else believed this tale.
Especially not my mother.
And then...

(Curtain falls. Sounds of scuffling.)

Act 1, Scene II.
[On the back steps of the Great Hall, several hours later.]

Next , there was my best mate, Dave,
Who taught me to catch tadpoles in a jar
And John Wilson taught me a thing or two
When he was run down by a car.
And Janet, Lisa and Jennifer,
Playmates and all good sorts,
But not Elizabeth Baker, who’d sneak up
From behind and rudely drop my shorts.
And then...

(scene fades)

© J Cosmo Newbery
Print this post


  1. (Laughing) You too can be a comedy. Hehe .... I want to die of laughter. :-D


  2. That was absolutely too clever! :)

  3. Please, please, take a part-time job as a speech writer so that I could ACTUALLY listen to something worth hearing!

  4. now ..
    if those speeches were actually like yours at the academy awards i just might watch.

  5. I didn't watch the Oscars, but now I wish I had just to see you on stage - or at least to hear you scuffling off.

  6. I love it, I really do.

  7. I can just imagine you giving a speech, a bottle of Pinot Noir under the belt and a captive audience.

    Do they still have trap-doors in these stages?

  8. Yep, that sounds like every oscar speech I've heard...

  9. Oh, I'd have liked to have seen the dropped shorts bit ;)

  10. I'm thinking I'm going to need your help. I have to give an acceptance of sorts in front of 475 people in 2 weeks. I've got nuthin' to say yet... except, of course, thank you. I suspect they'll want a tad more. I'll just use this, ok?

  11. Sure, use it. It will be perfect.

  12. Did you write Halle Berry's speech a few years back?

    Too funny!

  13. Your speech would surely be more entertaining than I few I heard last night. :)

  14. You need to greatly expand your acceptance - it is a speakers solemn duty to put the audience to sleep.

    Good job.

  15. Ha ha ha! So you are the ghost writer of all the Oscar speeches?

  16. Genius.

    Scuffle scuffle.

    If you wanted to do something particularly comical you could arrange for Elizabeth Baker to sneak up and drop your shorts.

    Although, to be fair, you would be a nutter if you wore shorts to the Oscars.

  17. I wish you would win an Oscar as what I wouldn't give to hear this speech.;))

  18. Very clever and entertaining.

  19. Very funny, that's how some of the acceptance speeches go. ♥

    Thanks for your support in my 'followers list', I am honoured. ♥


  20. The speeches are what generally keep me from watching awards shows... they never seem to end. But if they rhymed, like yours? I'd definitely watch every year! :)

  21. J...the rambling stream of consciousness put to poetry was not only clever but such a true reflection of some of the acceptance speeches...Great work as usual.


  22. I refuse to utilize the word cute in regards to anything - including babies, puppies and bunnies!

    Your acceptance speech is NOT cute - amusing, yes. I see a large shepherdess hook reaching from the sidelines to pull you off the stage, you waving your pinot noir and continuing until the very last moment.

    Probably enraged that your suit was wrinkled. But oh what a lovely redhead to haul you off stage, thusly. Perhaps a congratulatory, if not sloppy, kiss?

    (a wickedly laughing),

  23. For that I had to bring the great EDDIE L award!
    Congratulations...but, er...
    don't feel as if we need another acceptance speech....

  24. Nice. Let's hope you never win.

  25. The academy should make it mandatory that everyone accept their OSCARS in rhyme!

  26. Your stuff is always so great!

  27. Foam took the words out of my mouth!

    It's good to be back reading your wonderful stuff, J Cosmo

  28. The wickedly laughing, red-headed Lola: For a congratulatory, and preferably not sloppy, kiss I would put up with a crumpled suit.

  29. excellent- excellent xxx

  30. This comment has been removed by the author.

  31. Smooth. Was it for best male poet in a sporting role or for special effects? Or best muse-ical score?Ha-ha. Clever lad, thou art.

  32. love the way you turned a 17 month 7 hour acceptance speach into the perfect poem..funny ..loved it

  33. Nicely done..made me smile..thank you (thanks for your visit) Jae :)

  34. Funny. I have heard long winded and winding speeches before. Next time I have to sit through one of them I will think of yours.Hahaha.

  35. What a delight to read your award speech. It is early in Australia and already I am grinning all over my face. That's a first.

  36. lol a hilarious great poem

  37. lol a hilarious great poem

  38. Oh my, I love this poem! There is so much truth here. Thanks for the smile!

  39. Clever, funny, great... my favourite is the scuffle behind the curtain.


You've come this far - thank you.
Take your time, look around,
There is lots to see.